i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
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I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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