you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
