If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
