EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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