Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
