I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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