It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
