I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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