laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
