i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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