I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
