I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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