You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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