is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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