I wish I only lived at night.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
