i need an iv and a liver transplant
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
