i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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