The maid of honor just puked.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
