if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Randomize
