I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
