Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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