My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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