my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
