You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
