i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
