I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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