i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
