Betty ford says i'm here all night
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
