we have pet lesbian snakes
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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