Can i not drive my cunt home
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
