I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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