Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
