1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
