Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
