His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
