No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
