And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
