I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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