Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
