Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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