His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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