Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
