You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
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we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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