Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
