Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
