Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
