The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
