The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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