do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
