I wish I only lived at night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
