So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
