We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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