I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
