remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.