I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
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There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
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Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha