is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
