I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
