Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
