I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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