highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
