I just pynch a tree in the face
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
