drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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