apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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